


it's a new craze

by attheborder



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Banter, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue-Only, Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, Humor, In-Universe Fandom, Love Confessions, M/M, Metafiction, POV Outsider, Podfic Available, Post-Canon, Screenplay/Script Format, Social Media, The Mortifying Ordeal Of Having A Podcast, Tumblr, Twitter, Wahoo Answers, everyone sees it but them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-28 11:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20062966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attheborder/pseuds/attheborder
Summary: CROWLEY:I try not to make a habit of gratitude, but I must give our appreciation to everyone out there who’s been listening and subscribing to The Ineffable Plan.AZIRAPHALE:Ooh, yes, we’ve become quite popular, haven’t we?CROWLEY:Yeah, just hit number eight on the advice charts … No advertising at all.AZIRAPHALE:Mm. How … miraculous.CROWLEY:… Aziraphale. You didnot.***Crowley and Aziraphale are very possibly the people least qualified, on the entire planet, to start up an advice podcast.But what else is there to do when the world isn’t ending anytime soon, you’re technically on indefinite sabbatical from your lifelong careers, and you need a plausible excuse to spend more time with your best friend who you’re definitely not, absolutely not, maybe just a little, actually maybe overwhelmingly in love with?





	it's a new craze

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Новое помешательство](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22409878) by [bais_barbaris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bais_barbaris/pseuds/bais_barbaris), [WTF_Good_Omens_2020](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WTF_Good_Omens_2020/pseuds/WTF_Good_Omens_2020)

> [NOW WITH FULL-CAST PODFIC AVAILABLE](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21377236) from the incredible and talented nice & accurate theatre company! 
> 
> all of the usernames/links in this are totally made up for the purposes of immersivity; any resemblance to real usernames or URLs is wholly coincidental!

**EPISODE 1**

**CROWLEY:** Aziraphale, you don’t need to wear the headphones. I’m monitoring the sound, right here on the computer.

**AZIRAPHALE:** But I _ like _them. They make my ears feel all cozy, and protected. 

**CROWLEY:** Suit yourself. 

**AZIRAPHALE:** And— oh! Your voice sounds _ lovely _all up close like that—

**CROWLEY:** [clears throat] Well. Anyway. 

[THEME SONG PLAYS]

[QUEEN - RADIO GA GA]

**CROWLEY: **Welcome to the inaugural episode of The Ineffable Plan: an advice show for the post-apocalyptic era—

**AZIRAPHALE:** I just want to point out that this whole thing was _ your _ idea, Crowley. … You know, so people are aware. Credit where credit is due, and all.

**CROWLEY:** Of course it was _ my _ idea. Until last week _ you _ thought podcasting was a farming technique.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Not… an unreasonable assumption to make, given the etymological implications of—

**CROWLEY: **[laughing]

**AZIRAPHALE:** Anyway. I’m Aziraphale, and this is my… associate, Anthony J. Crowley. 

**CROWLEY:** Thanks to recent events, we’ve found ourselves with quite a bit of spare time on our hands.

**AZIRAPHALE: ** We are very qualified to give advice on h— _ people _ problems.

**CROWLEY: **Perhaps the most qualified of all time. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **We’ve really been around! 

**CROWLEY:** Shall we get into it? 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Indeed! Righty-o, here… are the letters I’ve received, let’s see…

[the sound of paper rustling]

**CROWLEY:** You had people send in _ letters? _ When you said you set up a mailbox I thought you meant _ email– _

**AZIRAPHALE:** Ahem. This shall do nicely to start us off. Question one. This is from Andrea in Hackney— _hello, _my dear— and she says: 

_ I live in a ground floor flat, and I work the night shift, so I get home really late. My upstairs neighbor has taken to playing EDM at extremely loud volumes early in the morning, I assume to accompany some kind of body-weight workout, because there’s the sound of something heavy hitting the floor over and over as well. It’s ruining my sleep schedule and making me unproductive at work. How do I end this torment? _

**CROWLEY: ** First of all, Andrea, are you sure you’ve not done anything to _ deserve _ said torment? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Crowley! That isn’t advice. 

**CROWLEY: **[sighs] Fine, fine. This is an easy one. Here’s what you do. When you get home from your shift, grab a knife, shimmy up the drainpipe, get the window open, and sneak into the upstairs flat. Cut the cables to the subwoofers, pitch the weights out the window, then climb back down and sleep soundly. 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** I hardly think _ any _ of that will be necessary. All you need to do is climb a flight of stairs, knock on their door, and have a polite, face-to-face conversation regarding their disruptive activities.

**CROWLEY: ** And _ what _ if they laugh in her face and say, _ it’s my apartment, I can do what I want? _ Then what’ll she do? It’s not gonna be as simple as hello, goodbye, thank you! I know how these people are! No, this issue demands _ direct action. _

**AZIRAPHALE: **I see what you’re trying to do, Crowley, you wily serpent, but I refuse to endorse breaking and entering on a radiophonic programme meant for public consumption—

**CROWLEY: ** _ Podcast. _ It’s a podcast.

**AZIRAPHALE: **— have you considered that the neighbor might be going through some personal difficulties, and is trying to make a lifestyle change for their own benefit? 

**CROWLEY: ** Hey, Andrea, have you got speakers? You could play even _ worse _ music even _ louder. _

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Andrea, if you just wait a little while longer, surely they will just _ give up _on their self-improvement regimen, which is the end result of most similar resolutions— 

**CROWLEY: **Andrea, you could slide a threatening note under their door, one with the little magazine letters cut out—

**AZIRAPHALE: … **Oh dear. Is every episode going to be like this? 

**EPISODE 3 **

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE:** This one is from James in Bath. He wants to know, Crowley, what does the J stand for? 

**CROWLEY:** Wouldn’t you like to know. 

**AZIRAPHALE:** That settles it, then. I’m sure _ nobody _ else has to send in that question _ ever _again, now would they—?

**CROWLEY:** _Aziraphale!_

[AD BREAK]

[soothing, New Age yoga music playing in the background]

**MADAME TRACY: **Madame Tracy Draws Aside The Veil is now available for bookings. Experience the mysteries of the Other Side, with me as your guide. Clients have called my events “transporting” and “surprising” and “worth almost every pound.” I’m now on Instagram at @MadameTracyLondon. Book now for exclusive rates, and first pick of spirit encounters.

**EPISODE 5**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE:** This one is from Tina in Portsmouth. She wants to know, Crowley, what does the J stand for? 

**CROWLEY:** Angel, I _ will _discorporate you.

**AZIRAPHALE:** It’s a simple question!

**CROWLEY:** Stands for Jessica. 

**EPISODE 6 **

**CROWLEY:** Jellybean. 

**EPISODE 7 **

**CROWLEY:** Gender. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **But that starts with a—

**CROWLEY: ** _ Does _ it?

**EPISODE 9**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **Didn’t we see the original run on Broadway?

**CROWLEY: **Was the West End, yeah? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Was it? No, it was New York! You wore that lovely red puffer jacket—

**CROWLEY: **Oh god. That thing was horrid! 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Everything becomes horrid for you after 10 years of owning it, I don’t see how that—

**CROWLEY: ** Hold on. Hold _ on. _ What was the original question? That we were supposed to be talking about? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **My my, I’ve forgotten. Something about … furniture? Does it matter? 

**CROWLEY: **… Nah. 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Anyway. It was _ definitely _ Broadway— 

> **margarine-of-error**
> 
> OK thanks to a million posts on my dash about it, I’ve finally given in and started listening to The Ineffable Plan podcast. And it’s just as amazing as everyone’s said, I’m dying laughing, but idk if there’s something wrong with me because I honest to god am 10 episodes in and cannot figure out if the hosts are real guys or if they’re just playing characters. There’s like, a lot going on. Someone help me lmao.
> 
> **fifteenfears**
> 
> noooo lmfao asdlksdf i love when people think this. but they’re real dudes. my dad actually worked with crowley at one point. the guy used to be some kind of london business cryptid, one of those independent consultants who’d come in and fuck everything up. iconic tbh. his old website is still up - anthonyjcrowley.com/consulting
> 
> **elektrahartt**
> 
> YUPPP chiming in to confirm they’re actual regular degular people... i’ve been to aziraphale’s bookstore in london, but that was before the podcast started when i was studying abroad there. i only realized he was THAT “A.Z. Fell” when crowley was teasing him in the last ep about his ridiculous shop hours and i was like OHHH lol that makes sense. 

**EPISODE 12: **

[...]

**CROWLEY: **OK, next question. 

[paper shuffling]

**AZIRAPHALE: **[humming as he reads] ...Oh! How delightful.

**CROWLEY: **What is it?

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Crowley, we have our very first _ complaint! _

**CROWLEY: … **Give that here! [laughs] 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Hey, _ I _ do the reading—

**CROWLEY: ** Nonono, _ please _let me read this, it’s too good—

**AZIRAPHALE: **Very well. 

**CROWLEY: **[still laughing] This one is from Harold in Cambridge, who says: 

_ I appreciate your commitment to the bit, as it were, but as a PhD candidate in Irish History at Cambridge I couldn’t help but cringe continuously through your story in Episode 10 about the Battle of Clontarf. If you’re going to be playing up this whole “immortality” joke, you really ought to be doing proper research. All contemporary scholarship suggests that Brian Boru was killed while at rest, praying in his tent. It would have taken a miracle at his age to get him up and fighting, as you describe— _

**AZIRAPHALE: ** And maybe it _ did! _

**CROWLEY**: [laughing]

_ — and additionally, Gormflaith goading the Vikings into attacking the Irish is a pseudohistorical myth, there is nothing to evidence she ever convinced her son Sigtrygg to go to war against Boru. _

I dunno, _ Harold, _ she seemed pretty enthusiastic about the idea when I suggested it, but we were both fairly off our heads on mead at the time, so I suppose we’ll never really know! 

**AZIRAPHALE: **[laughing] Dear me. We better not breathe a word about Cahokia, if this is the sort of thing we’re in for. 

**CROWLEY: **Or the Queen of Sheba. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Or The King’s Men. Would really be a shame to be set upon by Anti-Stratfordians.

**CROWLEY: **Vicious buggers. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Utter twats. Unintelligent, shameful, elitist–

**CROWLEY: **Do keep going. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **… I’d better not.

**EPISODE 15: **

[...]

**CROWLEY: ** ...but if you _ really _want to wind him up, might I suggest taking the time to empty out all of the Splenda packets, replace their contents with garlic powder, and carefully glue them shut again before putting them back in his coffee tray. Never met a problem a good old Condiment Surprise couldn’t solve.

**AZIRAPHALE: ** First of all, _ don’t _do that, Andrew. Second of all, Crowley, garlic powder isn’t a condiment, it’s a seasoning.

**CROWLEY: **What? That’s ridiculous. If it goes on food after it’s done cooking, it’s a condiment. 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** You are sorely mistaken, my dear. It’s a _ spice, _that’s a completely separate category. 

**CROWLEY: ** No, it _ isn’t! _

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Anyway, what would _ you _know about the finer details of culinary preparation?

**CROWLEY: **Excuse you, I spent a decade as a galley cook on a Spanish Galleon traversing the Atlantic, you’d be shocked to see what I can do with a hunk of salted pork. 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** A _ pirate _ ship? Not exactly Cordon Bleu—

**CROWLEY: **Says the man who’s not prepared his own food since the Peloponnesian War. 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** It’s just _ better _ when _ hu– _ er. When _ other people _make it!

**CROWLEY: **Want to pout harder? I don’t think our listeners can hear it through their speakers quite yet. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **[pouts audibly]

**CROWLEY: ** There you go. _ Anyway, _ garlic powder is, in fact, a _ condiment, _and one which you should—

**AZIRAPHALE: ** _ —should not— _

**CROWLEY: **—replace your terrible boss’s terrible Splenda with, and make sure you’ve got an unobstructed line of sight to him when he starts drinking it. Maybe try and get it on camera?

**AZIRAPHALE: **[sighs]

[...]

**CROWLEY: **I try not to make a habit of gratitude, but I must give our appreciation to everyone out there who’s been listening and subscribing to The Ineffable Plan. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Ooh, yes, we’ve become quite popular, haven’t we? 

**CROWLEY: ** Yeah, just hit number eight on the advice charts **… **No advertising at all.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Mm. How … miraculous.

**CROWLEY: … ** _ Aziraphale. _ You did _ not. _

**AZIRAPHALE: ** It’s just— you work so _ hard _ on putting it all together, my dear, I thought it would be a shame if it all ended up flying under the radar, so I just gave it a little push, as it were— why _ are _you looking at me like that—

**CROWLEY: … **Thank you. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **I— Oh. Er. Yes, quite. No problem at all.

> @keldevine 
> 
> any other  @IneffablePod  listeners desperately trying to figure out if the hosts are _ actually _a couple or just best friends with really great banter? 
> 
> @Phoebe_Loop13 
> 
> @keldevine @IneffablePod omfg i thought i was the only one. GAY OR EUROPEAN??????
> 
> @pretzelbabie 
> 
> @keldevine @Phoebe_Loop13
> 
> Guys can we please not @ them in personal speculation like this. It’s really invasive and rude.
> 
> @Phoebe_Loop13 
> 
> @pretzelbabie  they literally call each other angel and my dear… i dont think its rude to like. have ears !!!

**EPISODE 16**

[INTRO SONG FADES OUT]

**AZIRAPHALE:** Listeners, you can’t see it, but trust me when I say Crowley is sporting a _ terrible _ goatee. My dear boy, I rather thought you’d given up on that sort of thing!

**CROWLEY:** Change is in the air. I had to outdo that fetching ear piercing of yours somehow.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Oh, you noticed? I thought I’d—

**CROWLEY:** [quickly] Don’t flatter yourself. I’ve been meaning to do this for a while.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Well, I don’t like it.

**CROWLEY:** And when have I ever cared what _ you _ liked? 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Oh, I don’t know, since Rome? First time we dined together? And you only tried the oysters because I described in _ great _detail how much I enjoyed them—

**CROWLEY:** Mm. 

[a pause]

**AZIRAPHALE:** Dearest listeners, please feel free to chime in with _ your _personal opinions on Crowley’s new facial hair, you can send your comments to the usual address— 

**CROWLEY:** No, no, please, they don’t even know what it _ looks _ like, how is that even fair—!

**AZIRAPHALE:** I’ll be posting a photo on the, er, instant gram—

**CROWLEY: ** I _ know _you don’t know how to do that. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **[firmly] I will _make it _so that a photo _has been posted– _

**CROWLEY: **Let’s just get on with the advice? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Very well. 

[papers shuffling]

**AZIRAPHALE: **Here we are… from Mina in Manchester. She asks: 

_ I work in a large office, where the dress code is fairly business formal. I’m one of the only women on my floor, and during the summer all the men are still in suits, so the aircon is cranked up to maximum. My teeth start chattering and I get such bad goosebumps I can hardly concentrate on my analysis. They won’t let me have a blanket out at my desk, but they also won’t budge on the temperature. What do I do? _

**AZIRAPHALE: **Oh, how terrible. Central air’s supposed to be one of ours! Look how it’s being perverted! 

**CROWLEY: **Hey. Aren’t we trying to stop doing that? Saying ‘ours’ like we’re still—

**AZIRAPHALE: **Right. I— Old habits, you know. 

**CROWLEY: **‘Course. Yeah. I get it.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Anyway, Mina, you sound like a wonderfully competent young lady. Perhaps your skills would be better served at a company with better commitment to equitable gender balance, and a more respectful approach to temperature control— 

**CROWLEY: ** Mina, I think _ you _ should start wearing a full suit to work. Bet you’d look _ great. _

> @oonamay 
> 
> Starting a petition to please make azerfale (sp???) and crowley from  @IneffablePod  my new parents… The ones i have are trash so yup guys ur my dads now
> 
> @IneffablePod 
> 
> @oonamay  It’s past your bedtime, new child of mine. Go to sleep. Also, it’s “Aziraphale.”
> 
> @oonamay 
> 
> @IneffablePod  LMFAO AS SOON AS I GOT THIS NOTIF THE LIGHT IN MY BEDROOM WENT OFF?!!??!?!?! Crowley wyd

**EPISODE 17: **

[...]

**CROWLEY: ** Look, movie theaters are _ meant _ to be snuck into! I would know, I _ invented _the overpriced cinema ticket, to encourage that sort of thing!

**AZIRAPHALE: ** I shudder to ask when the last time you actually _ paid _to see a film was, Crowley. 

**CROWLEY: ** Hmm... Probably Pacific Rim— oh, you wouldn’t like it. Although there is a character who– look, nevermind. Besides, when was the last time _ you _ bought a ticket to _ anything? _Don’t you just, you know, waltz right in there? Pull a Ritz and bump someone miraculously out of their seat, you shameless bastard? 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** For your information, I have _ very _ good standing relationships with box office managers and head waiters, I hardly _ ever _have to resort to miracles these days, that was a special occasion, I would never—

**CROWLEY: **Hey. I was— complimenting you. I like it when you … you know. Get what you want.

**AZIRAPHALE: **…

**CROWLEY: **Anyway. Jeremy, I’m telling you that _yes, _you _should _consider it your moral duty to avoid paying for movies made by international entertainment conglomerates. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **But you’ll feel bad about doing it, though. Think about that.

**CROWLEY: ** Or… you might not! Think about _ that! _

> @MrHKYoon 
> 
> Really highly recommend subscribing to  @IneffablePod  for anyone who wants to walk around feeling like they have their own personal angel & devil sitting on their shoulders at all times. Great stuff guys!

**EPISODE 18:**

[...]

**CROWLEY: ** Got a new segment today, guys. _ Not _ my idea— Aziraphale wanted to spice up our usual advice routine with an… external contribution.

**ANATHEMA: **Hi guys. Cute setup you’ve got here. Crowley, your place has such an amazing view!

**CROWLEY: **Does it? I hadn’t noticed. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Let’s give a warm welcome to Miss Anathema Device, who’s going to be reading her lovely horoscopes on today’s episode!

**CROWLEY: **Can we just get this over with.

**ANATHEMA: **Alright. First up: Aries, your fly is down. 

[...]

**ANATHEMA: **… and for all you Pisces out there, if you have any asparagus in your fridge, throw it away— it went bad yesterday. 

**CROWLEY: **[slow clap] Amazing. Bravo.

**ANATHEMA:** Hey, Aziraphale— what’s your sign?

**AZIRAPHALE:** Oh… Dear me, I’ve never really thought about that before. 

**CROWLEY:** You don’t even have a birthday, angel.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Nonsense. I arrived on Earth just like anyone else, didn’t I? Let’s see, it was a few days after… I suppose it must’ve been… yes, let’s say, the 24th of October. 

**ANATHEMA:** A Libra/Scorpio cusp? Wow, yeah, duh. Of _ course. _And you, Crowley?

**CROWLEY:** No, no, no, I will _ not _ participate in this mockery, it’s bad enough having you on _ my _ podcast to dispense your homeopathic nonsense, not how stars and planets work at _ all _—

**AZIRAPHALE:** … But didn’t you _ invent _astrology? 

**CROWLEY:** Th— that’s not— I helped _ popularize _it, angel, and that was just to make men on the internet mad — 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Your birthday. Let’s see. It must’ve been… June, wasn’t it? I remember Eve was about seven months expecting when you popped up… 

**CROWLEY:** [mutters inaudibly]

**ANATHEMA:** Sorry?

**AZIRAPHALE:** Speak up, my dear.

**CROWLEY:** 6th June. 

**AZIRAPHALE:** … Ohhhh, of _ course! _How fitting! That means every hundred years you get—

**CROWLEY:** Yes, yes, I _ know. _ What are the wretched chances. 

**ANATHEMA: **I think it’s cute. 

**CROWLEY: **I regret everything.

**ANATHEMA: **So you’re a Gemini, got it, now I can do a compatibility reading for the two of you!

**CROWLEY: ** Uh— ah— there’s _ really _no need—

**AZIRAPHALE:** Dear girl, don’t trouble yourself with such trifles— 

**ANATHEMA:** [cackling] Too late!

> @lepidoptosaur 
> 
> Me going crazy trying to figure out the storyline/mythology of  @IneffablePod  like:
> 
> [CHARLIE_KELLY_PEPE_SILVIA.png]
> 
> @olfactory_mess 
> 
> @lepidoptosaur @IneffablePod
> 
> RIGHT??? I’m obsessed! Like it’s just a regular hilarious bros giving advice pod but then they drop in references to being alive in the 1700s and im like ?????????
> 
> @lepidoptosaur 
> 
> @olfactory_mess @IneffablePod
> 
> It’s gonna send me over the edge. Are we sure it’s not an ARG or something? I mean, these ads about joining the Witchfinder Army are getting more bizarre by the episode.

**EPISODE 19**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE:** ...and it’s all about _ transparency, _my dear, and being honest about how you feel—

**CROWLEY:** [choking laughter]

**AZIRAPHALE:** Are you quite alright, Crowley?

**CROWLEY:** I’m sorry, I— no, it’s just funny. 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Please, explain.

**CROWLEY:** _You, _talking about being _honest _about _feelings_, of all people—

**AZIRAPHALE:** I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

**CROWLEY:** [scoffs] _ “We’re not even friends” _— ringing any bells? 

**AZIRAPHALE:** I– I was under quite a lot of stress at the time, you couldn’t possibly understand how I—

**CROWLEY: **You don’t know what I can and can’t understand—

**AZIRAPHALE: ** We are _ not _ talking about— _ that _ . We are _ talking _ about _ Emily from Glasgow’s _ difficulty with _ her mother _. 

[very pointed rustling of paper]

**AZIRAPHALE: **Where was I. Anyway, yes, darling, you can’t keep yourself in constant distress for the sake of propriety. Best to tell your mother how her habits have affected your state of mind. It might be … hard to admit, and it might take … some time, but the more you work at it, the more ready you’ll be— 

**CROWLEY: **You could also just stop speaking to her, forever. That might do the trick. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **No! Don’t listen to him. Listen to me—

**CROWLEY: **[laughs]

**AZIRAPHALE: **What– oh. Ha ha, indeed. 

**CROWLEY: **Throwbaaaack!

**EPISODE 20**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **Next question! This one is from... Jeff in Liverpool. Hello, Jeff. He says:

_ I got my account banned from Twitter because I was @-replying constantly to various politicians telling them to “suck a dog dick.” Was this fair? How do I best appeal to get my account back? _

**AZIRAPHALE: **Oh dear.

**CROWLEY: ** [laughing] I _ like _you, Jeff.

**AZIRAPHALE: **If it was against the rules, then you should probably appeal by saying you won’t do it again—

**CROWLEY: ** Jeff, what I like _ most _ about you is that you made the words “suck a dog dick” come out of Aziraphale’s mouth.

**AZIRAPHALE: ** —although I suppose perhaps you don’t need to be telling the _ truth _when you say so—

**CROWLEY: **[snaps fingers] I think you’ll find your account has just been restored. Consider it a reward.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Hmph.

> @AuBonPinz 
> 
> my life has improved immeasurably since i started imagining the voices of the  @IneffablePod  hosts in my head arguing whenever i have a problem tbqh
> 
> @IneffablePod 
> 
> @AuBonPinz  I win every time, right?
> 
> @AuBonPinz
> 
> @IneffablePod  OMGGGG u replied.. This is crowley right?????????? Cuz if so, no sorry usually aziraphale wins :’(
> 
> @IneffablePod 
> 
> @AuBonPinz  Ha. Good thing he doesn’t know what Twitter is, then. He does not need that kind of validation.
> 
> @AuBonPinz 
> 
> @IneffablePod  lmfao i love u guys so muchhhh 

**EPISODE 21:**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **It’s like— it’s like those little flying friends—

**CROWLEY: **[quietly] Angel, you ruin me.

**AZIRAPHALE: **-the ones with the spinny wheels—

**CROWLEY: ** _ Drones _, Aziraphale. You’re talking about drones. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Yes! Those are the ones. She could send one up— 

**CROWLEY: ** No! That is _ overkill! _ It’d be spotted in a second! You still know _ nothing _about proper espionage, after all this time—

**AZIRAPHALE: ** How would _ you _ suggest she see what’s up there?

**CROWLEY: **Er. She could, ah. Get a really tall ladder? 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** And risk her _ neck? _

**CROWLEY: **Maybe a— a fishing pole. With a camera on the end.

**AZIRAPHALE: **A series of well-placed mirrors?

**CROWLEY: **Pose as a window-washer?

**AZIRAPHALE: **[groans]

**CROWLEY: **Moving on… 

> **tinygaymouse**
> 
> If you think about it, we literally sit here listening to these eps over and over, bc we’re trash, whereas neither of them probably bother doing that. Like they’re real adults w real jobs and this is just a fun little hobby for them yea? So here we are picking up on all this stuff that probably flies right past them in the moment as theyre recording. Hence our obsession with “I loved your hair long” from ep 18 which crowley didn’t even seem to HEAR (!!!!) or “angel, you ruin me” from this week… like?????
> 
> #ineffable husbands
> 
> **pundergroundd**
> 
> crowley edits the show though doesnt he??? wouldnt that require sitting through the eps multiple times?
> 
> **tinygaymouse**
> 
> I mean hes the one who posts the eps bc aziraphale is computer illiterate lmfao but if you listen you can tell that they’re not edited at all, apart from adding in ad breaks sometimes and the theme song. Tbh he seems like the kind of adhd guy who doesnt have the attention span to sit down and edit an hourlong pod every week although that may be me projecting.
> 
> **pundergroundd**
> 
> Ok yeah i see what youre saying… is it crazy to hc that he just started the show so he could have another reason to sit and talk w aziraphale and the editing/posting is a total afterthought ??
> 
> **tinygaymouse**
> 
> NO THATS SO VALID… HONESTLY REAL !!!!!!!

**EPISODE 22**

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **This one is from Brandon in York, hello. He says: 

_ My favorite T-shirt went missing this week. The only other person who’s been in my flat has been my on-again, off-again girlfriend who I’m currently not on great terms with. How should I ask her about this? _

**CROWLEY: **Well, she obviously took it. Probably to get back at you for something you said.

**AZIRAPHALE:** Now, that’s not fair. You probably just misplaced it— Crowley, must you assume the worst in everyone? 

**CROWLEY:** ‘Course I do, I’m a demon. 

**AZIRAPHALE:** A rubbish excuse, you haven’t been properly demonic in years—

**CROWLEY:** [sputtering] Wh– h— what, have you been keeping track of my evil levels? Trying to figure out if I could be redeemed? If I could be worthy? Is that what you’ve been waiting for, this whole time? Because if so, I’ve got some bad news for you—

**AZIRAPHALE:** That’s not what I meant at all, you _ know _—

**CROWLEY: ** Then what _ did _you mean? 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Crowley, it was a _ joke, _ what the d— what has gotten into you? Are you actively trying to pick a fight? On our _ radio programme? _

**CROWLEY: **I’ll cut this bit out. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **No. Don’t. 

**CROWLEY: **You want people to hear this?

**AZIRAPHALE: ** I _ want _ people to know that– that you’re just fine as you are. I mean. _ More _ than fine, you’re— Well. You’re wonderful.

**CROWLEY: **… 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** And if you’ve ever thought you _ weren’t _ — I— I can only imagine that’s been _ my _ fault—

**CROWLEY: **[quickly] ‘S not your fault.

**AZIRAPHALE: ** But I didn’t _ help, _ did I? Oh, you deserved better—

**CROWLEY: ** Aziraphale, _ no. _ No, there’s _ no one _ better— I—

**AZIRAPHALE: … **

**CROWLEY: **[sighs] Let’s get back to the advice, shall we? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Very well… 

> **fifteenfears**
> 
> not to rain on anyone’s tinhat parade after that last ep’s insanity of “you’re wonderful” and “there’s no one better” but i feel like the initial argument implies they defs still have shit to work out before they like… get together. we know they’ve been friends foreveerrrrr so BOTH of them are probably just terrified of disturbing the status quo.
> 
> #ineffable husbands 
> 
> **ineffablespam**
> 
> yeah... comfort is a hell of a drug :/
> 
> **mintymeltronic**
> 
> mmhmm and it’s like we can pick apart the storyline/“narrative” of the show all we want but even putting all the mythology stuff aside it’s clear that as people they genuinely care about each other and know each other best of anyone. like obviously they haven’t REALLY known each other since the garden of eden like they joked abt back in ep 16 but don’t you think that could be like ... a metaphor? to symbolize a level of real life devotion that exists? or is that too galaxy brain of a take sdkfsdfs

**EPISODE 24 [REUPLOAD]: **

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: ** I mean, you can’t have expected _ me _ to stay _ away _from such a place! The last of the great libraries! Imagine, hundreds of thousands of papyrus scrolls, all waiting to be transcribed and translated… 

**CROWLEY: **[laughing] Better than Heaven.

**AZIRAPHALE: **You can say that again.

**CROWLEY: ** Meanwhile, I was still stuck in Rome trying to, oh, I don’t even remember now… Oh, it was the Goths. The wretched Goths! Couldn’t stand ‘em! They smelled _ awful _, d’you know?

**AZIRAPHALE: **You should’ve called. Constantinople was very clean.

**CROWLEY: … **Maybe I should have.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Oh– look at the time—! 

**CROWLEY: … **You have somewhere to be? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **I’m so sorry, my dear, I completely forgot I scheduled a delivery for today back at the shop, the most beautiful illuminated manuscript coming in from France— 

**CROWLEY: **Right, ‘course. I’ll, er, wrap up. We’re just about done here, anyways. Don’t let me keep you. 

[the sound of Aziraphale getting up]

**AZIRAPHALE: **[from a distance] Pip-pip. Will see you for lunch tomorrow, yes? 

**CROWLEY: **See you—

[sound of the door closing]

**CROWLEY: **[sighs]

[EPISODE ENDS]

**THE INEFFABLE PLAN - FORUM**

**Thread: Episode 24 Discussion**

JANZER_99 

Hey, did anyone else see that Episode 24 got re-uploaded? Was there something that got cut out? 

KillianKrowe 

Yes I noticed the reupload but it was so quick I’m not sure anyone caught it :( 

Marveloote 

I just scrubbed through the whole thing looking for cuts and I’m pretty sure whatever it was came right at the end after Aziraphale left… otherwise someone would have caught it before it got taken down, if they started listening as soon as the ep went up.

Pepsikoala 

guys it’s LITERALLY not that deep. probably a bunch of dead air clogging up the end of the episode. calm down!!! 

BrineAndBats 

Hey, anyone have a DL of the uncut ep?????? IM DESPERATEEEEE

Lesperadeaux 

The episode is a full hour of the purest Aziraphale & Crowley banter since #17, with amazing history lessons & some wild-ass mythology hints (Hastur as in _ King In Yellow _ Hastur?!!!?!) and you guys are complaining about a missing minute? get some perspective!

**DM: ineffable husbands sin bin**

Sammy: Um

Sammy: Guys

Sammy: You know how everyone is looking for the uncut ending of ep 24… 

KASEY: stOP

KASEY: dont u dare

anitta #ineffable: sammy dont fuck w us rn we are FERAL....

Sammy: vocaroo.com/i/spp9mifbe6a

Sammy: Warning uh. It’s a Lot

KASEY: listening rn

dizzie ~ a/c luvr: JUST LISTENED AND ABSDHFDAHBDHSDF IMsdfsdf !?!?!!??!!??!!

anitta #ineffable: SAME IM??????

anitta #ineffable: CROWLEY… 

KASEY: this. cannot be real. how the FUCK SAMMY

anitta #ineffable: SAMMY EXBLAIN

Sammy: I’m a weirdo, so I have a bot that DLs the eps directly onto a private server as soon as they hit the RSS feed. When Crowley re-uploaded, the old version stayed on my server.

KASEY: SAMMY IM FREAKING OUT DID YOU POST THIS ANYWHERE??!?!!?!

Sammy: No… I mean, you heard it right? I can see why he took it down as soon as he realized it slipped through the edit. 

dizzie ~ a/c luvr: UH YEAHHHHHHH

dizzie ~ a/c luvr: WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF CROWLEYYYYYYYYYY HONEY BABY OH MY GODDDD

anitta #ineffable: i cant believe this is happening rn. i feel like im ascending out of my body

anitta #ineffable: or “discorporating” as theyd say on the show JASDSDFS i didnt know what that meant but now i think i fucking do

KASEY: so… we’re literally the only ones who’ve heard this? 

Sammy: As far as I can tell. 

KASEY: holy shit 

dizzie ~ a/c luvr: not to go crazy go stupid but. ummmmm. 😶 somehow we need to get this to aziraphale????? he NEEDS to hear this

KASEY: dizzie u read my FUCKENING mind

anitta #ineffable: ugh 😩 fuck he doesnt have an email or social media or ANYTHING though. Like thats his whole brand so how do we even ????

Sammy: Too bad none of us live in London, we could visit the bookstore and play it for him… although knowing him it probably wouldn’t be open… 

KASEY: WAIT WAIT

KASEY: HOLD on im uhhh. having an idea....

dizzie ~ a/c luvr: 👀👀👀

**EPISODE 26: **

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **This one is from Kasey in Leeds. She says: 

_ There are a bunch of adorable stray cats who live outside my house. They’ve started up howling together during the evenings and it’s very musical. How do I monetize this cat orchestra and turn it into the next big viral sensation? _

Oh, and there’s… That looks like a web link, written out on the page. 

**CROWLEY: **An audio clip? Brilliant, I’ve got to hear these symphonic cats. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Here— can you type it in, my dear? 

**CROWLEY: **[snaps fingers] There. It’s loading… 

[pause]

**CROWLEY’S VOICE [FROM RECORDING]:**

[sighs]

Aziraphale… You are too much for me, angel. Too damned much.

I thought it would be enough to just sit with you, without looking over our shoulders all the time— I thought that was all I ever needed. Wasn’t it? But it’s not enough. I want more. I want _ you. _

I wish I could look at you and you’d just _know, _how much I love you. Without me having to speak. Maybe you do already, but— [sighs] If I opened my mouth, I know it would come out twisted, wrong, burned, like everything I am, it would reach you a strangled and malformed thing, it wouldn’t be _good enough _and the worst part is… I think… no, I _know_ you’d want me to try anyway— but I _can’t—_

Fuck. Monologuing again. Bad habit. Trying to quit. 

[silence]

**CROWLEY: … **Um. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **… 

**CROWLEY: **That wasn’t meant to— I never meant you to—

**AZIRAPHALE: **Did you mean it?

**CROWLEY: **Did I mean—

**AZIRAPHALE: **That you love me. 

**CROWLEY: … **Would I lie to you?

**AZIRAPHALE: **No, I— You never would. You never have. And you’re right, you know. I did— I _ have _ wanted you to try. Can you try, now? 

**CROWLEY: **But you already heard—

**AZIRAPHALE: **I want to hear it again.

**CROWLEY: **...

**AZIRAPHALE: **If it'll help, I— I do love you. Very much so. Crowley... 

**CROWLEY: **[swallows] Aziraphale. I love you.

[pause]

[the swift sound of soft movement] 

[the sound of skin against skin] 

**AZIRAPHALE: **[muffled] —It’s still recording _ — _

**CROWLEY: **[directly into the mic] I’M KISSING HIM NOW, DEAR LISTENERS, FOR YOUR INFORMATION.

[more sounds]

**THE INEFFABLE PLAN - FORUM**

**Thread: Episode 26 Discussion**

Helmethairhannah 

HONESTLY IM JUST SO HAPPY FOR THEM…… what do u guys think of the conspiracy that crowley leaked the true ep 24 ending on purpose to get a fan to do exactly what Kasey did??????

KillianKrowe 

A tempting theory but a little overly convoluted. Did you hear how totally taken aback he was after the clip played? Like, he was legitimately worried for a sec that Aziraphale wouldn’t, yanno, reciprocate. That’s defs not the reaction of someone who’d orchestrated it all on purpose. And I think that makes it all that much more special to have witnessed. 

Helmethairhannah 

LOL @ the idea of Aziraphale not reciprocating… as fucking IF!!!!!!!!! They are in LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@IneffablePod 

Hi  @KaseyKole.

@KaseyKole 

@IneffablePod oh my god

@IneffablePod 

@KaseyKole  😘 

**EPISODE 27: **

[...]

**AZIRAPHALE: **Hmmm. None of these seem to be … actual questions, as it were—

**CROWLEY: **What? What are they—? 

**AZIRAPHALE: **They’re all letters of … well, congratulations. 

**CROWLEY: **Oh. That’s … 

**AZIRAPHALE:** Want to blush harder? I don't think our listeners can hear it through—

**CROWLEY: **Shut up.

**AZIRAPHALE: **Ah, here’s a question— from Jillian in Dublin. Hello, darling. She says:

_ I have a big crush on my best friend, but I’m scared to tell her. We already spend a lot of time together, and I know she’s fond of me, but I’m just not sure either of us are ready. I haven’t even held her hand yet. How do I make this go the way I want it to go? _

**CROWLEY: **Well. 

**AZIRAPHALE: **Hmm.

**CROWLEY: ** This might be the only time we _ ever _ actually agree on advice to give out, but Aziraphale, are you thinking what I’m thinking? 

**AZIRAPHALE: ** Oh, yes. Dearest Jillian… you should most _ definitely _start a podcast with her. 

***

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so so so so sorry LMFAO. obviously i'm on tumblr [@areyougonnabe](http://areyougonnabe.tumblr.com) that's why i'm Like This.
> 
> title from..... well, you know.

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End file.
